I feel the vibration of your silent alarm. We’ve been up for quite some time and pretend to be unaware of each others restlessness. You pull yourself together, phone in hand and quietly gather your clothes for the day. The bathroom door closes and within minutes the steam from the shower billows out from underneath it. Probably the only sense of warmth in the room, for you and I remain very cold at heart. Happy Anniversary.
Today marks four years of marriage and I remember the day so clearly. If I look down I can still see the beautiful bouquet between my hands, so delicate and wrapped in a blush colored satin ribbon. I had a hard time keeping the bow aligned just right for the photos. You held me so tight I could feel the warmth of your palms on my waist. The photos captured that moment and encapsulated that feeling. Our photo hangs above our dresser and I can see our silhouettes across the dark room. I can make out the smile on your face which at this time makes me grieve the loss of our happiness. Your still here with me but I miss you. The loneliness I feel right here lying in bed today is enough to cripple my heart. My body hides this feeling, it allows me to move forward and get ready for work as well.
The bus is packed and the hustle of the city wakes my spirit. I have shaken off that gut feeling of emptiness and filled my belly with coffee. I send you a text. “I Love you, Happy Anniversary! I’m looking forward to dinner.” I think we can blow this off and just allow ourselves to feel normal tonight. I mean nothing happened, were just off track.
Were meeting for dinner at our favorite pizza place. Nothing fancy but its a place that holds a lot memories. “Will there be someone joining you?” The young waitress asks. I nod and smile and tell her its our anniversary, you’ll be here soon. I browse the menu as if we will order something different than the norm. Hell, maybe for a special occasion well add salad or bruschetta. I pull my phone out of my bag and glance at it for the third time since I have been here…nothing. Oh no, she’s coming around again, “another glass of wine?” To the brim please, I wanted to say- I can feel my heart sinking. I hear a text come in, its you, you say your held up at work. I know its a lie. There was to be no more sipping softly on the wine glass. It was consumed like a shot of whiskey on an uncomfortable first date. My longing for your company now turned to anger at your distance. I finally admit to myself that I’ve hated you for quite sometime now. So tonight I will eat our favorite pizza, every bite filled with resentment while I wear your favorite fucking lipstick..